Before I begin this discussion I want all of my readers to know that I want a RESPONSE/OPINION from each of you. Most all of my family (which includes Matt's fam too) read my blog. They NEVER leave a comment (and I have no clue why). I receive phone calls from everyone saying "oh I read your blog today and such and such was so cute." I don't know if you nonbloggers are afraid to leave a comment or that you think you are breaking some sort of blog rule, but today I am asking all of you to give me feedback on this topic. To leave a comment, if you are not a blogger, just click the anonymous button and write what you want to....but be sure and sign your name. Also, to my friends who are non-bloggers, parent or no parent, I want your opinion.
Matt and I had no idea when we became parents that disciplining started at such a young age. I guess it never crossed my mind. The style of disciplining also never was something that Matt and I talked about. We were both spanked as children, and to us that was "just how you discipline." This week on several talk shows there have been discussions on several discipline styles. Kate mentioned disciplining on her blog recently, so I decided that I too wanted input from my dear readers. :) Also, I have been watching Super Nanny (who is against spanking), and I have been very intrigued at her approach to discipline. Matt and I have been talking about this for sometime now. There are sooooo many different approaches to how to discipline children that I am just curious to know what you think. Matt and I have taken on our own opinion to discipline, but I want yours.
What style of discipline do you think is appropriate? Do you feel spanking is right/wrong? How would you discipline an 18 month old? When do you think you should start disciplining?
Also, I would like to know of any Parenting books that you might recommend. I would love a Christian based book on this topic.
There is no right or wrong answer to this discussion. All opinions are welcomed and valued!!!
***Also the beginning portion of this post is directed to the following: My Abilene readers, Wichita Falls readers, Tyler readers, Plano readers, Memphis readers, Bedford readers.....and all of you others out there who read!!!****
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This is something we struggle with also. I think that every family, every child, and every situation is different.
ReplyDeleteWe use the time out method which really works with Kennan because he knows that being in time out is away from the fun and is pretty boring. He goes into his bed for close to 2 minutes (because that is how old he is).
We haven't ever spanked (although I have swatted his hand a few times). The trouble I have with spanking is that one of the things that sends Kennan to time out is when he hits us or his friends. It is hard for me to justify spanking (hitting) him when he gets in trouble for it.
Right now time out works for us and we haven't had to come up with another method. For some kiddos time out does nothing, so another method may be needed. Sorry for the long response, but I think you wanted some feedback from your readers!! I'd love to hear what you guys have tried and how it is working (or not working).
Hey Allison,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a controversial topic but I think it's an important one. First, I think it depends on the child and the way you spank. I grew up in a family that spanked so I have no problem with it in general. But I was one of those kids who did not require being spanked a lot. My parents could just look at me and I would cry and say I was sorry. Therefore I did not get spanked very much. However my sister was a bit of a strong willed child and time out or a good talking to just didn't cut it all the time.
This was hard for me when we had Grant because he is extremely strong willed and is constantly testing the limits. Therefore, sometimes for his safety we have to spank him so he will learn not to do the very thing we just told him not to (such as touch the hot stove, run out in the street or even bite his friends!). But at the same time, if you are spanking for every offense I think it's wrong. Dobson has a great book that we pull out often called Dare to Discipline. In it, Dobson suggests not spanking until around 18 months and then only a light spanking on the hand and only for what he calls "willful disobedience" or safety concerns. So when Grant looks at me and does exactly what I told him not to then we do spank him. We have tried everything we could think of like time out and sometimes even ignoring the behavior but that rarely works with him. I believe you should try and see what works for Hudson. If he responds to time out then great! In my opinion spanking should be reserved for really bad offenses. Okay, I will stop rambling now. :)
I agree that EVERY child is different and every situation is different. I was raised in a spanking household. It worked with me. Did I like it, NO. But was I suppose to, of course not. I came into parenthood knowing I was going to spank. We did and still do when it is neccessary. Some people (I can hear them) say that it is NEVER neccessary. I disagree and that is OK with me.
ReplyDeleteI have in my old age(ha) decided that spanking is my last resort. I didn't always feel that. I think since Avery is older too, it has made me change my outlook on this. Spanking a child that is almost as big as you are is a very strange thing. We put Jude in time-out for 2 minutes and he HATES it. We might swat him for something that is defiant, but sometimes that is the only way that I think he gets that we mean it. ALL my kids for time outs have to put their noses on the wall. A minute for how old they are. Yeah, Avery doesn't like standing there for 10 minutes - that is a long time to keep our nose on the wall. BUT she knows if she disobeys, that is the punishment.
You have to find what works for YOUR family. Everyone is going to have their own opinion and what works for THEM. I don't think there is a right and wrong here. UNLESS there is some abusive beating going on. AND as long as you are spanking to teach and not out of anger (Which I have done before - NOT FUN) then I think you are fine.
I believe in ya'll and know that ya'll are doing a great job and do what is right for your family. We love ya'll!
Nobody in family comments either. It is so frustrating!!
I agree that dicipline is determined by the child. On the few occasions that I have swatted Claires hand I just haven't felt right about it. What kind of message does that send? For example... when Claire was Hudsons age (not so long ago!) she came into a hitting phase. She was constantly hitting me, or the couch, or the wall... We would respond with swatting her hand. So really in her eyes we were saying, "you can't hit, but your punishment is being hit on the hand!" I really feel like that doesn't make sense! So, my solution is to tell Claire what she has done wrong, and then give her a consequence (like no more wiggles for the day). It really seems to work for her! Anyway, I am SO not an expert... but I just thought I would through in my two cents!
ReplyDeleteI have no children so I can not speak from what works for my kids. But as a teacher I think that I can say that not enough kids are being disciplined. I was spanked, and it was effective, but more often than not I was already remorseful and crying before the spanking began. I think that any consequence is better than no consequence and that saying "no" is not enough. I have learned that something should be warranted for whatever the misbehavior is, or the child is going to have mixed signals. I think "Supernanny" is great and I even watch her show for things to implement in my classroom. I do not have a naughty corner or stool for my sixth graders, but her points about consistency in disciplining and explaining why there is a consequence in a first place is good practice to have. That is my two cents on a parenting practice for my non kids.
ReplyDeleteAllison-
ReplyDeleteI think that when you observe people, it is possible to tell if they were or were not spanked as a child. Usually, the fabulous ones were..haha! But seriously...
You know you've seen a mom pushing a screaming 6 year old around Super Target and have thought to yourself, "Wow. Get a grip on your child." It's not an issue of hurting your child, it's an issue of showing them at an early age who is going to be the boss. You can use stern words all you want, but pretty soon they will discover they have the ability to say these words as well. Spanking them is a different story...they can talk back, but they know they can't spank back.
Of course I don't have kids, and know that it must be SO HARD to discipline them, and the thought of spanking them terrible to think about. But I think the earlier you start, the less you'll actually have to do it overall.
Okay...here goes...from Hudson's Mini & Papa in Wichita Falls. Of course, in our eyes Hudson is perfect, but I guess he will need some discipline along the way to stay that way. There are so many good comments already, and I agree with them all. You have great friends!
ReplyDeleteWe all know that a "world without discipline is a world filled with chaos." Every child is different (and situation)and you need to always keep that in mind. What works one time, may not the next time. We did spank Matt...guess you could say he was our strong willed child, but he was always remorseful and didn't want to disappoint us. Melissa and Lauren were more the kind that if you looked at them wrong, they were sorry they disappointed you and cried. So, they were a lot easier to discipline.
Papa thinks there is a time and place for spanking, as when the child is defiant and "talking" just won't work. I think you have to figure out what works best for each child. The older I get, the more I am against spanking as a "lashing out" in anger. I do think there are some instances where a spanking might be warranted though. A "time out" just doesn't seem appropriate if they ran out in the street. I do think "time out" works for almost everything else though. I like the minute for every year approach.
We all know Proverbs 13:24 says "he who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him" and 3:2 "The Lord disciplines those he loves." So, we know we need to discipline our children as we are disciplined by God, too...in a loving, nurturing, instructional way. I think being consistent is most important.
Our goal was for our children to want to be good out of respect for themselves, us, and others. I must say, I think we did a wonderful job and your parents did, too. We are so proud of you all! We will pray for you and Matt, as we know you will prayerfully go to God and do what is best for each of your children. You are the best parents and will do great!
We love you all!
My dear children,
ReplyDeleteWhere do I begin? Let me just say right from the get go that I have been far from a perfect parent. I thank God everyday that you, Allison are such a wonderful loving person, daughter, wife and mother. You were a very easy baby, toddler, adolescent and teen. I can remember when you were a baby and a toddler your daddy and I would comment that we didn't understand why other parents couldn't control their children... We thought we had it down pat....then God blessed us with Paul.
Do I have regrets on how I at times lost my temper and acted out in anger against you? The answer is yes. I was raised getting spankings from my mother and she was a yeller, my daddy was out of the picture regarding discipline, I really don't know why, but I believe that he just did not have the heart to lay a hand on us. Let me say that I am sorry for some of the times that I spanked you and I feel remorse.
I am confident that you and Matt will find the answer to your discipline dilema after trial and error, study and prayer.
I am Hudson's "J", and I don't want him spanked, but I realize that may be unrealistic at times. Let me just say, as many other commentors have, never strike out in anger, it is very detrimental to the child and to the parent. I am regretful that I have always been a screamer, I truly try to work on that and I pray that God will take that "reactor" gene from me, I am a work in progress.
Allison and Matt, I love you both with all of my heart and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will raise Hudson in a loving and respectful way, as well as his siblings. You have amazed me with you parenting skills already and I trust that you will find the solution that fits the situation, Hudson and yourself. I will be praying for this specifically for you. What a sweet heart you have, you make me swell with pride.
I am overflowing with love for all of you.
Your Mother and friend
Hey Allison and Matt-
ReplyDeleteThis is Angie Pittman. (I am a secret blog reader up til this point). I have been so impressed with the obvious love in your family. I love coming to your site and knowing I will feel good when I leave.
I have read that a lot of the people who have written were "spanked". The big contraversy right now on spanking is your children will grow up to lash out at people and be aggressive. I think we all proved that wrong. Were we abused?? No. That is the difference. Did I spank? You bet I did. I cannot imagine how Collin would have turned out had I not. Brenna was so sweet and easy that you look at her or pat her bottom and she cried and was sorry. Collin---at age 2-- I carried a "spanking stick" (a paint stirrer from Sears) in my purse at all times. He was so defiant and such a TOOT!!! But a cute toot. I would spank, and no response, I would spank with a belt---he would say that does not hurt, so his daddy would spank and it hurt!!! Children want to be disciplined. They want to be good and they want to be made to be good. (As the Nanny proves every week).
My example of spanking being good is when Collin was about 3-4 he got mad at me at a pizza place cause he did not want to quit playing video games---sooooo He threw his pizza at me. Dik picked him up, took him to the bathroom, took his belt off and "Made it hurt". (NEVER has there ever been a mark or bruise on our children though). Dik came back to the table and Collin stayed in the bathroom til he quit crying, THEN he came out, crawled right up in his daddy's lap and hugged him. Is that abuseful? Was that out of anger? No---It was out of Love and Collin knew it, even at that age. (I think another key is to be sure to TELL them why they are being spanked or in time out, etc) After about the age of 7 we quit spanking. Other things worked for him then and through his teenage years never did we have a problem with him. Not one. Never one heartache from him. (Brenna either). I love the Nanny and if it would have been on--I DEFINITELY would have tried a lot of her concepts to see what worked. So---I guess I am saying---Try over and over and find what works for you but be consistent. That is the key. As I look back I think--wow how did I spank that sweet, cute little boy? But you know what you have to do at the time. You cannot be FRIENDS with your child. You are the parent. I now am blessed that I am friends with both my children. That time comes later, when your job is done raising them. Did our children know we loved them, even when we spanked them?? Yes they did, they have and never will doubt that we love them with all our hearts.
Spanking or not----raise your children to be faithful christians. Show them daily in their lives that you stand as a family and God is the center. You can never go wrong. God will Bless you. He already has---with each other, with a wonderful little boy and a baby on the way!!!! We are so excited for you.
You all will always be close to my heart. I love hearing all about Hudson and seeing the pictures. What a beautiful little boy.
God Bless you both as you make these tough decisions.
Much Love--Angie
Well Jeremy and I are in the same boat as you are. We were both spanked as children and it was done out of love. As chloe starts to stretch her wings of independence I am having to start enforcing some discipline. I dont know if it is right or wrong, but it is done out of love. Our biggest form of discipline is time out. She is made to walk into her room and put herself in the "time out chair" she cannot leave the chair until I go in and we discuss the action that got her there. We talk about it and if it deems an apology she is asked to apologize when she is ready, but she cannot leave the chair until that is done. This seems to work only for the fact that she says she is sorry and the action normally doesnt occur again for a while until she forgets. These actions include screaming at me, trying to pinch or hurt another child, not sharing, etc... I have resorted to a swat on occassion and this is merely to get attention and let her know the seriousness of her disobeying. This normally happens when she ignores or defies me and I want her to understand why it is so important to obey, it is followed with time out. The thing that I feel is the most important is to discipline in love and do not discipline with out explaining to her what she is in trouble for. SO there is my opinion which means nothing, but seems to work at our house...sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHey there!
ReplyDeleteThis is a hard subject and one that I go back and forth on having two little boys that need to be parented so differently.
I am looking forward to meeting you either on a Sunday or at Tuesday Ladies Class! Ashley Nelson is the sister of one of my very best friends in the world and Kristen Cooper and I got to be friends while we were visiting some at the Heritage church. Small world!
Hi Allison, this has also been one of my biggest challenges within the last month or so. Like many of your readers have said, I echo that each child and situation will warrant a different approach. But -- the key is to lovingly discipline our kids. Let's see... I haven't tried the time-out method with Todd. Right now at his age (19mths), I don't see him sitting still in a chair. What seems to work right now is a light pat on the bottom or a squeeze on his hand. It hurts his feelings, and he knows that he just got corrected. That's what I do. Brian, on the other hand, only has to say "no" in a stern voice, and Todd gets the message. My "no's" are not as effective. So, you and Matt might even have to handle the disciplining a little different from each other in order for both of you to be effective teachers to little Hudson. You and Matt are such wonderful parents, and I also LOVE reading your blog!!
ReplyDeleteI plan on posting about this again as I feel that my unfortunate rat issues took the attention away from discipline. Anyway, I feel like you got a lot of good tips here. For me personally, I don't see time-out working quite yet with Jackson. He isn't really a calm child. Also, he is such a climber that we have definitely had to resort to a few hand swats and spankings on the leg even at nearly 18 months. I really felt like this was necessary as he was climbing on the fire place, trying to climb up shelves and pulling on the curtains and wrapping himself up in them right in front of our sliding glass door. All of these were safety issues, and we tried everything we could think of including a stern no, removing him from the situation, hand swats, etc. When we (lightly) spanked his leg, he really seemed to understand that we meant business and has quit all but the curtain thing almost completely. Mostly his feelings just get hurt when he gets in trouble, and after we get on to him, he comes over to us and hugs us and sits in our laps. Anyway, I feel certain that we will spank occasionally, mostly for safety issues. It is the other issues that I don't really know how to handle such as the hitting (right now, we just ignore his hitting if he is just hitting a wall or table or himself, which has worked, but we can't really ignore it if he walks up and hits another kid or us). I guess I see spanking as a last option. I am with you on the not knowing that discipline had to start so young. I thought we had longer!
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Cara that we are starting to see the effects of not disciplining at all in schools and daycares, and the result is not pretty. Part of the problem is that kids know that there is nothing teachers or school administrators can really do, and many times, their parents don't do anything either. I knew growing up that if I got in trouble at school, then I was going to get in even more trouble at home. I want Jackson to understand that, too.
Finally, I really think it is most important to discipline kids when they are young, so that they know you really mean business. I feel like if I let Jackson slide when he is young, he won't take me seriously when he is older because I wasn't consistent. I guess I feel like I should be stricter when he is younger and that I can loosen up a bit when he really starts understanding that Boone and I aren't kidding around and that when we say don't do that again, we really mean it.
I am interested on reading more of your thoughts, and I am SO glad that we have blogs. It is nice to know other people are experiencing the same things we are!
Hard question, but good thing to be thinking about. I think every child is different, hence every punishment is going to be unique. But what ever form of dicipline one chooses they need to make sure the child knows why they are being punished and they also need to know that what ever they do, their paretns love them. You and Matt are wonderful parents and I know your children will always feel loved. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteWow, there are some great responses on this issue!
ReplyDeleteOkay, here goes. Since I don't have any kiddo's YET....
I was spanked as a child and I was the one who said "That doesn't hurt" My parents really had a time with me, but I always knew that if I did something I was not supposed to, I was gonna hear about it from one of my parents if not both. My parents were VERY consistent and I knew that no matter how much I resisted and pretended like they were not affecting me, they weren't going to let up until I gave in. (Sometimes that meant being grounded for DAYS until I got the picture!) However, I don't always remember why it was that I was being disciplined for because a lot of times I had to wait until my dad got home.
I think there is a time and a place for everything. Adam and I have talked a lot about this and how we were both raised and we both believe in spanking when children "cross the line" (where ever that line happens to be). I guess most importantly I feel like it is SO important to make sure that the child really understands WHY they are being punished, put in time out or spanked. In a lot of ways children are like dogs, sometimes they forget why they are being disciplined if they have to "wait until daddy gets home!" and being reminded of it later just doesn't have the same effect. So I think that weather its hitting, biting, lying or whatever its important to stop everything at that moment, discipline right then so that they understand what they have done wrong.
Its been said that a child's personality is fully developed by the time they are 6 years old. So, in my opinion you have about 6 years to teach them how to behave and from that point forward you live with the blessing or the mess you have created for yourself and the rest of the world in that child.
Either way I think a lot of it boils down to Consistency is the key!
You guys are awesome parents!!! We hope to be just as wise as the two of you!
We don't have kids yet, so I don't have much to say about it. I agree with the earlier post from the verse in proverbs.I think discipline is very important and you have to be consistent when they are young because that is a part of their development. If you start when they are older then it is not really effective. I think spanking is ok when it comes to the situation. I think there is a consequence to every behavior and spanking may not be the one for everything a child does. I thnk that you will know because you are the mom.You know what is right for your child at most every situation. I don't have much to say because Casey and I have not entered the world of parenting. We have talked about it a little bit, but not lately. We were both spanked and we will spank if that is what we need to do. My sister was the child that spanking did nothing for. It depends on the child.
ReplyDelete